About Me & My Work

 Some Basics leading up to My Awakening

Here are some specific pieces of the puzzle that are important in the overall picture of this lifetime, for who I am, and for what I am here to do. As indicated above, I know that the depth of the challenges I have experienced are now allowing me to hold space for and to facilitate transformation at very high levels — and, as it true for all of us, our capacities continue to amplify tremendously.

• Nothing about my life has been linear and I have had several full 180s with completely unexpected twists and turns; it’s like having lived several lifetimes in one and it truly is quite a miracle that I am still here.
• Having come into an environment where my mother experienced consistent fear and helplessness during the first 6-7 years of my life –the years when our brainwave states have us experience everything in our environment as if it directly happens to us– has had a profound impact on setting my nervous system and bio-chemistry into a constant state of stress and of not feeling safe. Because this literally was my status quo, I did not discover until several years after my awakening just how much this has impacted every moment of this lifetime.
• Having 5 planets in the 12th house [including Sun, Saturn, Black Moon Lilith & Chiron] and 4 in the 6th probably says a lot to anyone with some astrology experience. Though I can’t remember much directly, through the deep spiritual work I have done I have come to realize that I have felt rather unsafe since I was very young and at age 5 I remember deciding I would ‘stop dreaming’ because of the nightmares I was having. And, although I had no intention on focusing my attention on ‘dark energies’ upon my spiritual awakening, it became clear that those energies seemed to have had an interest in me from the outset, and that I would not have a lot of choice in that matter in this lifetime.
• Severe and frequent medical challenges, extended hospital stays, dis-ease, accidents, emergency surgeries [some life threatening], as well as major ‘losses’ in all kinds of ways have all played profound roles in this lifetime for me. I can see why I may have wanted to lighten things up by choosing April 1st as my incarnation day [we also have April Fools in Germany] and why I have always identified with the Fool card [0] and the Magician [1] in the Tarot ~ 10 is also my birthday-based life path number.
• Things started with being in the hospital for 2-3 weeks at age 2-3 and continued with major ear operations at age 5 and 7… and things have continued in a similar vein throughout this lifetime.
• The fact that I was born in Germany [even more so in Nuremberg] and lived there until 15 before unexpectedly moving to the USA is also highly relevant, especially given the rather dark energies at play there and then; and as some of us are aware, those energies are still at play now. It also is important given the strong ties I still feel to German-speaking and to European countries. I am sure this, as well as additional substantial travel, is a major reason why I feel so called to bring individuals together from around the world.
• We moved to the United States unexpectedly when I was 15. In Germany I was simply bored in school and unless I inherently liked a subject matter, I did not do well. Suddenly having to “study” everything in English had me terrified, so I began to open books and study, and to my surprise I did well.  I ended up going to Harvard for my undergraduate degree, fortunately not having any idea what that meant or I would not even have applied, let alone go there. Definitely one of the more challenging times, including almost dying and another major hospital stay. I happened to stumble across “personality psychology” and fell in love with it; I began to apply myself and did well in spite of my first two years there.
• I was encouraged to apply to Graduate School. Given that ‘academics’ really was new to me, I thought I’d give it a chance. Still not considering myself as smart or as an academic, I figured I’d go to a research-based PhD program and then, assuming I wouldn’t be cut out for it, I could just get a Masters, retrain and become a therapist. Against all odds and of course more unexpected challenges, I got my Ph.D from UC Berkeley  and went on to become a Professor in Psychology at a high-powered research university — teaching, researching and publishing. It still seems like one of the biggest cosmic jokes of this lifetime.
• However, as has happened over and over again, I would have my life turned upside down at strategic times and in ways that would force me to re-evaluate everything I thought was true and meaningful, several times over until pretty much nothing was/is left.
• Given the unbelievably challenging series of events that happened over a 1 1/2 year period at the end of my graduate school days [my 1st Saturn return], I really am amazed I made it through that time and that I ended up doing as well as I did as a starting Assistant Professor. Here just some things that happened: My mother, who was my very best friend, was diagnosed with cancer and passed 3/4 of a year later; breaking both wrists within half a year of each other; teaching my first 250 student lecture class while breaking my right wrist, running my research labs and applying for academic positions & flying to interviews; having my partner decide not to move with me to Iowa where I accepted a position; my therapist going on a half-year sabbatical; and two weeks before driving East to start my position my cat –the only attachment ‘figure’ that was left– got hit by a car and passed. I am sharing just some of the major events because it really is hard to comprehend just how much happened during that time… it really was devastating. I got severely depressed and was only able to delay my start by half a year. And because I had so much going on, I really never got to deeply grieve that loss.
• Looking back now from a spiritual perspective, the greater divine plan and orchestration of all of it… including what was yet to come leading us all the way up until now –including all the signs and synchronicities, and who I was [and am] meant to connect with– is so beyond profound there really are no words for it. The increasing depth of that Realization and Knowing is truly what this path is all about and what makes it all worthwhile — for those of us who set up some major challenges to transmute.
• Of course, things continued with challenges once I started my position: Crazy departmental politics, long distance relationship, tearing my ligaments, breaking my neck and trying to continue to road and mountain bike competitively, all while stepping into being a professor — teaching undergraduate and graduate classes, running undergraduate and graduate research labs, being on committees, supervising undergraduate and graduate students, applying for grants and publishing research…
• All the stress and continuous major challenges on all fronts took a toll over the next 6 years and I became extremely unwell rather suddenly in the fall of 2005. Interestingly, this happened shortly after seeing Amma two evenings in a row in Iowa; and this was at a time when I had no idea who she was, nor even why I went there – only that I should. Within just a few weeks I got so unwell I could barely get up and I had to take off 90% of my work for a full year in 2006; I got diagnosed with MS and extreme Migraines, among other things like possible beginnings of lymphoma.

Beginnings of completely “Guided” Energy Work

However, receiving those messages alone would not have been enough for me to change my hard-earned academic career – a lot more irrefutable and profound experiences would be required before I’d believe in any of these things. Interestingly, just before and around the time I got so unwell, I had come across ‘intuitives’ and others who did ‘energy work’ in the small liberal arts college town I was living. During this time when I was so unwell, I had begun to take Reiki, Healing Touch and other alternative modalities but was not convinced any of it was doing anything at all, nor that I was any good at it. It was only after receiving the 3rd message [above] that I began to have a series of very powerful, very explicit and also rationally inexplicable personal experiences that seemed to confirm the messages I was given and it also started me on the path of receiving guidance myself. I’ll only mention one of those events here.

Still all within the same year in 2006, I had been guided to go to a yoga retreat on Maui and a person who had been hit by a tour-bus several months earlier with extremely severe injuries was at the retreat and the teacher mentioned her a few times. On the last day of the retreat I got the feeling I was supposed to get up and do some ‘energy healing work’. My mind tried to talk me out of it… but I ended up getting up and doing so with her permission. Something completely different happened this time: I could feel energies begin to flow through my hand and it started moving as if guided; I even seemed to know what was happening and why. When I was finished, the woman had tears flowing down her face and said: “Thank you so much, this was so powerful.” I shook my head, pointed up to the sky and said: “Don’t thank me…”

It is important to be clear: I absolutely did not believe in anything existing “up there”, nor that “energy work” actually worked, nor that anything like this could ever happen to or better through me. Clearly, once again it seemed that something else with some “greater understanding and plan” apparently “was for real”, and seemed to be orchestrating these things, guiding and pouring energies through me… somehow and for some reason.

If it would not have been for clear and irrefutable evidence like this, I am certain I would not have wanted to leave my academic career and I surely would have tried to cling on to it for much longer. But “fortunately” [from a higher perspective] I was too unwell and would continue to be for several years to even attempt to stay in academics. I am certain my Higher Self set this up on purpose to make 100% sure that I would leave my academic career, as I clearly had another “calling” I was now meant to pursue.

One of the most challenging experiences at this time was that I lost the support of most of my friends and of the only two remaining immediate ‘family members’ [my step-father and brother] because of the my very sudden, profound and undeniable ‘spiritual awakening’, that just so happened to coincide with being so extremely unwell I was barely able to get out of bed and take care of the essentials of daily living. One of the times that I truly would have needed ALL the support I could possibly get in order to make it through, especially because of my own confusion and concern about suddenly having my world turned upside down in so many ways, I lost virtually all of it… as pretty much everyone thought I had completely lost my mind and/or got brainwashed by some cult. Unfortunately I never gained that support back either.

Continuing Importance of Signs & Synchronicity, Interference and Accelerated Times

Lastly, due to the extremely challenging nature of this lifetime, it is only because of such explicit, clear and irrefutable experiences, signs and synchronicities that started right at the beginning of my awakening and have continued until now, always showing up perfectly when I was just about ready to completely throw in the towel, that I am still here now… that I have continued on this “spiritual path” and that I have trusted my Knowing that somehow I would ultimately come to fulfill that very clear “Calling” I was told about back in 2006.

If I thought things were challenging before my awakening… well, I hadn’t seen anything yet and I had no idea what would be in store for me in the years to come. And gratefully I did not know because, if I did, I would have said a clear and decisive: “Thank You very much; but that’s a NO Thank You, I am absolutely NOT interested in this!” It became very clear why getting information from Spirit on a “strictly need-to-know basis” seems like the only way to go. I am sure many of us would have jumped ship otherwise!

I am clearly skipping over the chrysalis period — the time since my awakening and up until now, because I wouldn’t know where to begin and end to try and capture any of it; and, also, because this “About Me” part has gotten much longer than I intended it to be. Let’s just say that these years have been unfolding in ways that I never could have imagined… including how much my being able to move forward with offering my ‘energy work’ –that was clearly my calling and the main reason for leaving my academic career– would be hindered and delayed. I was guided to study with some amazing ‘masters’ and ‘healers’ and fully dedicated to my inner work; yet, on many levels things seemed to be getting worse rather than better. I would not understand this for many years to come. It is during this time that I also realized that there was a ‘whole spiritual path’ before me I had to uncover and navigate. It is only over the past 2-3 years that I have come to grasp the level of interference I have been dealing with since conception [well, and since ‘before’]. Of course, it had come up repeatedly over the years but it just seemed too far-fetched. It is not something that ever was [and still is not] my focus but it became clear that gaining an awareness of those “shadow” dynamics was something that would be essential for me in this lifetime and that I set things up to come into full empowerment with. When I realized about 2-3 years ago just how completely unsafe I felt — both in the physical and non-physical [spiritual] world– it was quite a profound experience… though not surprising. As I said, some of us brought in a lot to transmute and come into Wholeness with — for many reasons and on many levels. Everything is truly increasingly coming full circle now and I am grateful to be at the ‘bottom of the barrel’ of all of it.

I am still here and doing better than I have for most of my life, and I am excited about the new beginnings: Finishing the Alchemy of Creation website for the unique work I am here to offer; having the LEAP website and Community platform largely completed so I can finally reach out to You and the others I am guided to; and getting close to being able to launch this Community after 6 years of knowing this is part of my path and purpose, I know things are truly about to accelerate greatly from here on out.

It has been the depth of my Knowing of how potent of a “Creational Node” this LEAP Community is here to be on a global scale that has helped me to keep going. I also kept hearing: “If You build it, They will Come!”  I am curious to see who will show up and become a part of this new (ad)venture.